I was asked today, “Are you not allowed to…?” The question was about something small, I don’t really remember what it was that the person was asking if I was ‘allowed’ to do but when the question was asked I felt several emotions at once. I was surprised by my emotional response. At the time, the question was answered in a fashion as the conversation went on its merry way without any notice of my emotional response. No big deal but I find myself thinking about it again.
What emotions did I have? Well, first I guess it was defensive. Not personally, but defensive of my Master. I felt as though I did not want him or his way of managing my life to be seen as wrong or bad. There was nothing in the way or words of the question that should have caused this emotion, but there it was anyway. Why?
I also felt a bit embarrassed. Not shameful, but more like when someone asks you a specific question about how you like to have sex. The blushing sort of “that is personal” kind of embarrassed feeling. Again, why?
The last emotion was confusion. I didn’t know for sure how to even answer the question. Was I ‘allowed’ or ‘not allowed’? The short answer I gave was, “Well it isn’t that I am not allowed but sort of.” That was pretty well a non-answer but that’s what I had at the time. Yet again, why?
Why did the question elicit defensiveness, embarrassment, and confusion? As I think about it, the answer seems simple but meaningful to me. I couldn’t answer because there is not a paradigm in my world of ‘allowed’ or ‘not allowed.’ The meaning to me was in why the emotions I felt were there at all. I realized there is a history in my baggage compartment associated with what M/s ‘ought’ ‘should’ or ‘is’ supposed to be.
The baggage that actually generated the fuel for those emotions include the following ideas: Masters are assholes that demand their rules be followed. Slaves are under a burden of rules and protocols. Master’s rules must be followed or to the curb with the slave. Slaves are without rational logical personal decision making skills. Masters are jerks and slaves are weak.
“Really, personal baggage, does that make any sense?” I ask myself. Is that all still stored up in my attic somewhere? Wow, I thought I had long ago tossed those notions out. But there they were, lurking.
There was a time years ago before I was owned by Master when I was in the BDSM community but not in an M/s dynamic. I knew people who used the terms ‘Master’ and ‘slave’ but did not understand what that meant. After a little while I thought I came to an understanding of M/s because I had talked with some people about it, read a few things, and been to a few events. I thought that pretty much Masters were assholes and slaves were doormats. I didn’t know a damn thing but that is ok. It takes time to learn about new things in life. Growing up in kink is natural and we all had to do it sometime. I learned more, I listened more, and I opened my heart and mind to the people I met.
Time and experience led me to come to a place where I know that Masters and slaves all are different. Maybe some M/s couples are like that stereotype but all the folks I know in M/s now are certainly deeper, more vibrant, and wonderful than those first silly assumptions falsely led me to believe. Now I know that I am a slave and not at all a doormat. I know Master is a loving, generous, intelligent, and encouraging man who has dedicated his life to protecting and fostering me into my best potential. Now I see the beauty and wonders of living my life as an authentic and fulfilled woman who has chosen to enter into a 24/7 commitment to serving his will above all else.
So back to the question that raised internal hackles. Why? Why is because I forget that to other people my choice of lifestyle does seem like an ‘allowed to’ vs ‘not allowed to’ continuum. Internally, there is no ‘allowed’ or not, there is only this is the way it is because he says it is the best way. I forget that the external expression of rules and protocols does look a little like I saw it when I was a new person in the lifestyle.
I have benefited from the time others further along the path took to teach me. I will always be grateful to those folks and the hours they spent talking with me. Without them, I might never have arrived at this place in life. This is the reason I enjoy teaching and presenting about M/s so much. I want to give my time, my energy, my love to those who have questions.